Are Children Resilient?

By Dan

How Resilient Are Children Really?

Matthew 18:10, Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Some may believe…

  • Children will be fine in a divorce if the adults handle it maturely.
  • Children are resilient.
  • Children are better off with parents divorcing than fighting.

Does this sound like parents trying to comfort themselves? The kids hurt anyway!

The Effects of Divorce on Children

In situations where there has been betrayal, it’s essential to remember that children may still be processing their emotions and trying to understand.

The impacts of parental divorce on children are multifaceted and can vary depending on a range of factors, including the child’s age, temperament, the reasons for the divorce, the manner in which the divorce was handled, and the post-divorce family environment. While some children adapt well, many experience challenges. Let’s walk through these impacts step by step:

  1. Emotional & Psychological Effects:

    • Feelings of Rejection: Children may feel that one or both parents are “leaving” them, leading to feelings of abandonment.

    • Low Self-Esteem: Children can internalize the blame for the divorce, thinking they did something wrong or could have prevented it.

    • Depression: A study found that children of divorced parents are more likely to suffer from depression into adulthood compared to those with intact families.

      • Source: Chase-Lansdale, P. L., Cherlin, A. J., & Kiernan, K. E. (1995). The long-term effects of parental divorce on the mental health of young adults: A developmental perspective. Child Development, 66(6), 1614-1634.

  2. Academic & Behavioral Outcomes:

    • Decline in Academic Performance: Children may show decreased performance in school following parental divorce.
    • Increased Behavior Problems: Increased incidence of externalizing behaviors like aggression, and internalizing behaviors like withdrawal, can be seen.
    • Source: Amato, P. R. (2001). Children of divorce in the 1990s: An update of the Amato and Keith (1991) meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(3), 355.

  3. Social Impacts:

    • Difficulty in Relationships: These children may have challenges forming trusting, intimate relationships in adulthood.

    • Increased Likelihood of Divorce: Children of divorced parents are more likely to experience divorce in their own adult relationships.

      • Source: Wolfinger, N. H. (2005). Understanding the divorce cycle: The children of divorce in their own marriages. Cambridge University Press.

  4. Economic Impacts:

    • Financial Instability: The loss of a dual-income household or the costs associated with divorce can lead to economic hardships.

    • Lowered Socioeconomic Status: Long-term effects can be seen in terms of decreased earning capabilities and increased poverty rates.

      • Source: Page, M. E., & Stevens, A. H. (2004). The economic consequences of absent parents. Journal of Human Resources, 39(1), 80-107.

  5. Health Outcomes:

    • Increased Health Risks: Some studies indicate a link between parental divorce and increased health risks in children, including physical illnesses and mental health challenges.
    • Source: Troxel, W. M., & Matthews, K. A. (2004). What are the costs of marital conflict and dissolution to children’s physical health? Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 7(1), 29-57.

  6. Adjustment and Coping:

    • Resilience vs. Risk: While many children show resilience and adapt well over time, a significant number experience ongoing adjustment problems.

    • Need for Counseling: There’s often an increased need for psychological intervention or counseling for children of divorced parents.

      • Source: Hetherington, E. M., & Stanley-Hagan, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40(1), 129-140.

Many factors, including effective co-parenting, supportive environments, counseling, and open communication, can help mitigate or reduce potential negative effects. But I would still expect children to suffer significantly enough to warrant seriously considering mending the marriage rather than ending it except in extreme cases where a divorce cannot be avoided responsibly, such as where serious violence or drug abuse is involved.

In cases of adultery, where those addicted to an illicit relationship are willing to dismiss the harm they are doing to their children, it would be wise for them to reconsider. Children need their parents, and making a divorce necessary hurts the children whether we admit it or not.

Coping

If you have a bad spouse who is violently abusive or sexually unfaithful and decides to divorce you, your best hope may be to develop strong, wise, coping skills. Don’t depend on the court system to help you. Don’t depend emotionally on justice. Prepare to be strong as you go through a gauntlet of unrequested, unethical attacks on your sanity and your view of what’s fair.

It may take a tremendous amount of coping skills to maintain peace and wisdom and to help your children make it through in the best way possible.

Again, the promise that children will be resilient is a lie the unfaithful tell themselves so they will feel less of the pain they bring to the children and the entire family.

It will be your job to learn to cope with injustice. And that will most likely be hard. Very hard. You must be strong, maintain your hope, your faith, your wisdom, and love and rise above it all.