Searching for Reasons

To find reasons why divorce is so rampant these days, one does not have to look very far. By that, I don't mean to suggest that the one reason which is the answer to all problems is so close to us that we cannot miss it. What I intend to suggest is something many people may find very unpopular and perhaps nearly universally offensive. And that is the reason divorce is so rampant is that you and I invest almost infinitely more into destroying marriages than we invest into making them better.

Insults

Part of the reason marriages fail is that couples get entrenched into a vicious cycle of exchanging insults, sarcasm, public embarrassments, and other forms of cowardice and abuse. Why? Because they don't want to be defenseless under attack. We all have this image of the weaker spouse being hammered on by a stronger and more abusive spouse, and we hate seeing ourselves in that role so much that we are ready to become militant and declare, "I'm not going to take it any more. Attack me and this means instant war."

The Truce that Doesn't Work

Someone may convince us that if we are nice, our spouses will be nice, too. So, we attempt to cut back on our side of the abuse hoping our spouses will somehow read our minds or notice our niceness and reciprocate. We're hoping for instant gratification. Why? Because every insult and every abuse hurts, and habits die slowly, especially when both sides don't know about this "truce".

Sometimes we will talk about having a truce. But, it's hard since trust has been violated for so long. Even so, we may be so desperate for our marriages to heal and so desperate to get relief from all the shame and abuse that we're willing to try. So we make a deal with our spouses. We may even back up that deal with a requirement that the spouse who falters will be required to give up something--perhaps put a dime or a dollar in a jar to be used for a date. Or maybe ten or twenty dollars. And sometimes this helps. But, the couple may get into a fight over whether something was really constructive or destructive criticism.

Constructive Criticism

It's easy to call criticism "constructive" when you're on the giving side than on the receiving side. It is also easy to become angry when your "constructive criticism" is not appreciated but rejected with anger. Have you or anyone else you know responded to this lack of appreciation with a silent treatment? Have you ever heard someone threaten to say nothing from now on and just let the person fail on his or her own without any help or advice from now on?

Sandwich Approach

Toastmasters requires members to give constructive criticism of speeches given by their fellow members using a technique they call "The Sandwich Technique". First, they look for two sincere positive things about the speech and one suggestion to help the speaker improve. Then they place the so-called "negative" criticism between the two positives.

Why does this work so well? We all like to know that people are listening to us and that they're seeing the good in what we are saying. And, if we're trying to learn a skill, we would like people to be open with us and help us see areas where we can improve. But, we would like it to be as painless as possible. By starting and ending on a positive note, the speaker feels appreciated. It also helps build confidence and take away the fear of speaking. So, speakers begin to enjoy speaking knowing they will be appreciated and that they will come away with techniques to help improve their skills.

Confrontation in Marriage

Sometimes we fall into the trap of renouncing and denouncing anything positive, and many times the thought of formalizing our relationships with family and friends with a "sandwich technique" gives us a false sense of being phony, manipulative, disingenuous, hypocritical, and attempting to control through flattery. Why is it that we militate against something that is good, right, and healthy? Perhaps our perception is warped. If we do something good and it works, we feel guilty as though we were rewarded for doing something wrong. But, the goal is not to be phony, but to be honest enough to admit that some things in life are just plain good, and we need to respect and love ourselves and our loved ones enough to take hold of what's good and accept it.

We Believe the Evidence We Choose to Look At

Philipians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Imagine that. If we were asked to rape, murder, steal, terrorize, cheat, or lie, we would probably refuse with the utmost conviction of our hearts. Why? Because these are things God explicitly commanded us not to do. But, if we are so sincere and full of conviction about obeying God, then why do we disobey Him when He commands us to think on whatever is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy? Would we accuse God of commanding us to be phony? Would God command us to be hypocrites when Jesus so vehemently spoke against hypocrisy? Would we accuse God of hypocrisy? If not, then perhaps we should obey Him and begin to point our eyes toward the positive evidence that God has been successful in bringing about good things in our lives.

God has not commanded us to be thankful because He has a fragile ego that needs to be stroked and coddled. Thankfulness is good for us, and it is good for others. God loves us. And the more we are aware of His goodness, the more we can live in security and comfort no matter what trials and tribulations come our way because we know that if God allowed it, then God must have felt that allowing the trials and tribulations would bring about a greater good.

So, if God wants us to think about what's noble, right, pure, and so on, does that mean He wants us to think about these things as they apply to everyone and everything except for our loved ones? Or should we think about what's good in our spouses, children, siblings, and parents, too?

Application

If it would help your marriage, would you be willing to make a commitment to yourself to sandwich each criticism you give between two sincere positive statements of appreciation?

Second, would you be willing to take a position of strength and resist the temptation to retaliate? There is a big difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is what happens when people lose control of their emotions and retaliate. It often escalates to war almost instantly. That does not mean all is lost. But, when couples attack each other rather than the problem, the problem remains while the trust and the relationship gets broken. And often couples will refuse to improve until the other spouse becomes less critical or abusive. Exercising emotional maturity, wisdom, calmness of spirit and mind, and praying to God for wisdom can help break the vicious cycles.

Rather than lashing back, stop. Take a breath. Consider letting your spouse vent. Empathize. That doesn't mean you have to agree, but help your spouse feel heard and understood. However, try to avoid saying, "Yeah, I got it already, I understand, I know, been there, done that, enough already..." Think for a moment how you feel when someone cuts you off to tell you they know, or when they finish your sentences for you and get it wrong every time. How does it feel? Compare this to how you feel when someone asks you questions like, "Do I understand correctly that you feel hurt when that happens?" So often, people try to rush through the unpleasant parts of a conversation but end up prolonging it instead. Why? Because the other person has no confidence he or she has really been heard and understood. Then the two battle because they both feel the other has not understood them. They're so busy telling each other they understand that they are unable to convince the other that they understand. Rather than saying, "I understand", try restating their point and asking them if you have understood them correctly. That's called "active listening".

Tell Others if This Works

If you find what you have learned helps improve or save your marriage from destruction, why not tell others? Would you like their marriages to be saved, too? Furthermore, if you tell your friends and family, you can check up with each other to see how you're doing and how this is working for you.

All in all, if we would invest more into saving our marriages and families and invest less in destroying them, life will be so much better for everyone!!!